Know why I kept being so distant towards you? Because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Well I got them up. What happens? You’re an ass hat. It was my own fault. I knew better but I wanted to believe otherwise.

I’ll do what you told me to do. It’s about the only good thing you’ve said to me, or did you not mean that either?

I wanted it, and I still think about it. Back then I just preferred to suffer alone then show you I was even weaker than I already showed. I’m not strong. I just know how to put on a face and even then its never that great.

I think I loved you at one point, I don’t remember anymore though. I like you and I hate you. I always thought you were worth it. You didn’t hide who you were, you were you and it was take it or leave it. I’d take more. For that, I’m just a foolish girl. A foolish girl with a broken heart all over again.

You aren’t someone I’d like to get over, but I will. You don’t want me. I’m not used to that feeling, maybe its something I just couldn’t go through life not feeling. I can’t make you fight, I can’t make
you want me. I can just move on and hope my face will get better at hiding with time.

One of the best times was the rain, it just makes everything better. I know we aren’t good for one another.

I’m legit still that high school girl, complaining about boys. Lets start bad and slowly move to less bad.

Man number asshole. I just wanted to go out with my friend, drink, get hit on, flirt and go home. I made the mistake of saying sure, lets catch up. Not only were you more of a cock block then my own father but you are also a sketch and an asshole. I would never go home with you, sleep with you, or any of what I now know you want. But to take advantage and then call my friend a prude and a bitch? Like come on dude. Go fuck your self.

Man number two. You’re alright, though randomly texting me, asking what I’m wearing is weird. Weirder is just you. You aren’t the worst of the worst, in fact you’ve been pretty awesome at watching my back to make sure no one fucks with me. So thank you for that. But why always with the sex thing? Been there, done it and no need to revist. So thanks for thinking i’m that awesome, or you’re a jerk for thinking I’d wait for you.

Third, well damn you for being you. The high school crush. Not only are you just super awesome, you are still awesome and even better looking. So damn you.

That’s basically my rant. It would have been better in person, with wine and my crazy hand gestures. I’d make a video but well as I’m sitting in bed with glasses on, no make up and bad lighting. Better yet, I’d hang out with my friends and rant and be a bitch about these boys, but they are all busy. I need to work more and or make more friends haha.  

Not even remotely impressed. Where the hell do guys get off randomly texting you after horrible shit they pull? 

Mr. X was a good, fun time high school summer fling to get back at my not so good, fun time high school boyfriend. Sadly Mr.X never seemed to grow up. One night, not so long ago a freshly single me decides to drink with friends. After one too many drinks and sleeping on a great cold floor, I have someone rubbing my back and pulling me towards them. Umm drunk any girl wouldn’t like this unless its a helpful friend or a good boyfriend. After things that don’t need to be indulged in. So back to the story, Mr. X has the balls to ask if I’m in a happy relationship. Not even calling me by my normal name, or a normal nickname, Chelly, is not suitable for me. After telling him to go away (ok,Go fuck yourself) He then has the nerve to say he didn’t do anything to me that I did to him. Um what? So I tried to bang you, while you were half passed out by the toilet? No? Ya I didn’t think i was that drunk. So I choose to just ignore you and what do I get? (this is word for word too I might add) ” Hmm if its the same relationship as last time then I don’t know if I believe you. But you are entiled to your own decisions. So have a good one and I won’t bug ya again”

Since when were you someone who i turned to, who would be better then any other man I could date? Maybe it’s just me but this just smells of controlling and not being able to let go. Before you told me how you never should have fucked up in high school. Well Mr.X to me, you are not close to dating material. Yes in high school, you were a fun ride. But guess what? So was coke in the 80’s, doesn’t mean its so great now. (I’m a square and don’t do drugs, sorry i just prefer the taste of vodka over nose bleeds) Not only did you tell me you could get hotter girls then me after i blew you off (sounds like you did fantastic with that) you also tried to get me to go out for lunch with you. Ya a public place seems safe to most, but when it involves you? A group of body guards would not be able to make me feel safe with you in any situation.

It isn’t like he is a scorned ex, just a scorned man who wasn’t about to get lucky with me. Oh how much I would have loved to just say I’d be happier as a nun, then to ever be with him again. As much as I dislike some of my ex’s, past flings; there was always a reason I wanted them at some point. I’m sorry if i don’t feel like moving backwards with someone who is going no where. There are only two men I could ever go backwards for. Luck number one, was a man who never was. We never had anything, thanks to people telling both of us the neither was unavailable and Mr. number two (hee number 2) Is a man that I had more then just a fun time with for a great summer. I can try and hate him all I’d like, but he was never horrible to me, even though e wasn’t ready for a relationship it’s nice to know that he thinks (or at least told me) that I helped him and that he regrets how it ended.

I won’t lie, I’m someone who will randomly text a past person, see how they are, mutually flirt, but never berate them for their choices, even when I believe they aren’t marrying the right person (he can figure that out on his own, or maybe it will work. What do I know?) or if they are hung up on a huge bitch. Why? Because these lovely examples of men have never once hated me for my choices. They may have believed I was wrong, damn them for being right, but they knew I’d come out on top and be smart. They have, and will always, respect my choices; as I will for them. Sure I believe they would have been happier with someone else( me, me, ME!) but the heart wants what it wants. A true person will always see that and only want you to be happy. Any person who act differently wants something else, that is control. Run far, far away.

Mr.X, you may not see this, but regardless, if i ever see you in a bar, or in a small room and you follow me or try anything. I will run, run far away and prefer to puke on someones floor and clean it up, over chancing the bathroom and having you shut the door.

Where did those stupid, sappy, happy lovey endings go to? Am I just dense? 

It’s the same thing time and time again. A hurtful cycle and all I see are similarities between this and my parents relationship. This is bullshit. I didn’t ever think it’s right for you to make me feel guilty about how you hurt me. Why is it somehow my fault? I just asked you to take one day off sometime down the road for us to get away for a weekend. I’m not asking you to do it tomorrow. 

It’s about balancing and for some reason you end up having more then my friend get. yet your friends get more then what I get.  Or if i did what you do, its a horrible thing. Like i’m out banging other guys, sorry but nope, girl talk or movies. Fuck it, i’ll go to the bar with a friend, i’ll come home late when i know you work in the morning. It’s not late for me though, in fact its still early. But fuck tomorrow i’ll be so tired I’ll go to bed early because I got in to late the night before. (ya, seriously)

Or am I just acting like a soon to be stepford wife? (shoot me now if so) am i just in the process of becoming all cold on the inside, faking on the outside and following whatever my other half thinks is best, even if i detest it. 

Lets face it, thats not me. I came into this world loud and annoying and that isn’t going to change anytime soon. 

So fuck this shit. 

I’m dancing to Bieber. I may go hit my head on a wall now, k? cool